


Fractured

by Donya



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Dissociative Identity Disorder, FrostIron - Freeform, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-10 00:51:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4370927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donya/pseuds/Donya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Loki's in a mental hospital. He has vivid hallucinations of people by the names of Tony, Steve, Thor, Bruce, Clint and Nat. Most of them don't like him (which really says something about how he feels about himself) but he and Tony get on like a house on fire. When it's clear Loki isn't making any progress in therapy, the doctor threatens to give him a new medication to eradicate his hallucinations. Tony convinces the others that they need to help Loki escape or they'll cease to exist.' (A prompt from frost-iron.tumblr.com) Oooh, a mental illness related prompt, it's like it was written specifically for me. I could not resist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fractured

Loki barely remembered the times when he was all alone. It seemed that he always had company and his inner voice often changed its tone. Looking in a mirror was a fun game, Loki rarely saw only his own reflection. At the very young age, he was convinced that everyone had a bunch of shadows, as he called them.

The first one was called Natasha. She appeared one morning when Loki felt powerless and forced him to stop pitying himself and leave the bed already. That was her role, supporting Loki in an almost aggressive way, pushing him and pressing until he did what he was supposed to. When Loki tried to reason with her and said he was scared, she would ask him if he wanted to be a pathetic pushover for the rest of his life. A good hug was what Loki preferred, but Natasha's way of encouraging him was probably more effective. Loki appreciated what she did for him, but her attitude and the lack of compassion frightened him. How far would she go to control his behaviour?

The next one was Steve. The gentle aura around him helped Loki relax after another row with Natasha. However, Steve's goal was not to pat Loki on the shoulder and tell him that everything was going to be ok. Steve embodied all the virtues Loki did not possess. Patience, kindness, bravery, compared to him, Loki was worthless. Steve witnessed every fight Loki started and heard every angry thought, and never failed to mention how disappointed he was. He didn't approve of revenge, even though Loki explained he had a right to hurt those who hurt him. Steve was like a stern, concerned parent. His rules were impossible to obey and Loki felt guilty for failing him.

Clint came only to torment Loki. He had no interest in making Loki's life more bearable. He would often show up at night, bent on convincing Loki that the monster under his bed was real. The murderer lurking in the darkness was real. Oh, and how about you start thinking about what a failure you are? Loki pulled the duvet over his head but still heard Clint and shivered uncontrollably, waiting for him to leave.

Thor joined them soon after Steve and resembled him in many ways. Unlike the others, initially Thor was very friendly and played with Loki, what a joy, finally someone nice. It didn't last long, though, Thor realised how awful and evil Loki was and decided to stay with Natasha, Clint and Steve. They all would spend time together while Loki watched them, bitter and blinking back tears.

Years passed, Loki became more self-aware and began to question his sanity. No one else saw his shadows, other children laughed at him because he talked to himself. That, according to the young ones, was a clear indicator of being nuts. Loki didn't feel unhinged, he wasn't violent and didn't rock back and forth, muttering some nonsense. But eventually it dawned on him that normal people hear only one voice in their head and see only one reflection in the mirror. Nevertheless, the presence of some of his companions was still beneficial for him. Natasha wouldn't hear about taking the easy way out and once she made up her mind, Loki had to oblige her. Countless job interviews were a nightmare, the fear of rejection was killing Loki and the only reason he didn't give up was Natasha.

Around his twentieth birthday, Loki mastered the ability to function around people without letting them know he had a group of strongly opinionated companions watching his every move. That was not simple, Clint and Natasha were particularly loath to stay quiet when Loki was having a conversation with a someone else. Sometimes the only solution was to hiss at them, 'Shut up!' That led to confusion, at best.

 

Something was missing. Loki was lonely, despite having his unfriendly friends. There was no room for a boyfriend, or so Loki thought until he met Tony. Loki was wary at first, didn't let himself believe that a caring, patient, gorgeous man like Tony might have any romantic feelings for him. Tony was out of his league and they could not be any different from each other. While Loki wished he could fit in and be accepted by people, Tony saw no appeal of blending in and living like everybody else. His rebellious nature impressed Loki, he admired Tony's ability to evolve not to care about his reputation. He was teaching Loki to embrace his uniqueness and not to be ashamed of it.

Although they had little in common, Tony stayed with Loki. Even the presence of a spiteful Clint didn't sicken Tony and that was a miracle. Defying the odds, Loki not only found a boyfriend but also managed not to scare him away. What an achievement! Happiness ceased to be an unreachable goal.

Tony was too good for Loki. He didn't put as much pressure on him as Natasha or Steve and he allowed Loki to have a moment of weakness. When Loki panicked at the thought of leaving the safe haven of his apartment, Tony occasionally let him stay and cuddled him, instead of pushing him out through the door, like Natasha would do. The bond between Tony and Loki grew stronger and nothing would separate them.

Elated and hopeful, Loki had troubles hiding his love from the other people. He wanted to talk about how happy he was with Tony, share the good news, but nobody would understand him. Tony told him so, their romance was a secret, no one could know about them.

Natasha was not pleased with Tony and the way he treated Loki. No tough love was wrong, he was spoiling Loki, spoiling him rotten. Out of frustration, she began to hide Loki's belongings or simply destroying them. His favourite shirt was cut into thin stripes, his expensive coffee flushed down the toilet, the password to his laptop was constantly changed and he could never find two matching socks. Money disappeared from his wallet, last pages of a dozen of books torn away and even though he was very careful while cooking, Natasha always managed to spoil whatever he was making. Loki suspected Clint was eagerly helping Natasha. While Loki argued with them, Steve was doing everything to let him know it was all his fault.

Things spiralled out of control. Loki began to experience time loss. He would go to bed in the evening and what seemed like a minute later, he found himself wandering the streets in his pyjamas. Burnt pots, an overflowing bathtub, another absence at work, a completely redecorated apartment, designer clothes he didn't remember buying and didn't have receipts for. He knew that was about to happen. His shadows started to take over, tired of just keeping him company. Tony did whatever he could to solve the conflict but Natasha, Clint and Thor were too strong together. They would control Loki's mind for as long as they wanted and during that time, they made sure to ruin his life. He couldn't afford cheapest food after their shopping sprees and owing to them, he lost his job. Everything went downhill after that. They were furious with Loki, how could he let that happen? They needed money and a place to live, didn't he know? More and more often they would all scream at Loki simultaneously.

When he was told them they had to leave the apartment for good, Clint went berserk. Occasionally Loki would frighten himself by imagining that one of them would hurt him but never actually believed they would go that far. That night, though, Clint slit his wrist. Not deep enough to kill, yet Loki had to go to the ER anyway, the wound kept bleeding. Of course, the shadows followed him and reminded him the whole time that he had it coming. Loki didn't pay much attention to them, he was terrified of what was going to happen. He wasn't suicidal, but the wounded wrist was very suspicious. He looked awful, malnourished, dishevelled, distracted, just like a crazy person. He didn't want to end up in a mental hospital.

A nurse was naturally curious and asked Loki how he injured himself. He swallowed, cleared his throat and looked at Tony, hoping he knew what to say.

'An accident,' Tony whispered, 'you were doing the washing-up, your hands were slippery and it just happened.'

The nurse didn't seem convinced. She stayed and watched Loki, as a doctor examined the wound and decided it needed stitches. Tony wiped Loki's tears and comforted him as best as he could. Natasha and Clint stood next to him, glaring at Loki accusingly. Steve was clearly preparing another lecture.

Once the wound was nicely sutured, the doctor left. Loki thought it was over but the nurse wasn't going to let him walk away. She asked one tricky question after another, was Loki sad, depressed, any problems at home, at work, demanding parents, controlling girlfriend, boyfriend, suicidal thoughts? He answered slowly, in a neutral tone, hiding his growing anxiety. Clint wasn't helping, he encouraged Loki to tell the truth, the real truth. Natasha agreed with him and so did Thor. They were so loud Loki had troubles understanding what the nurse was saying and finally lost it.

'Just shut up!' He exclaimed, looking at Clint. Everyone fell silent. Clint smirked triumphantly. Only then did Loki realise he had confirmed what the nurse was already thinking. He was insane and he could forget about leaving the hospital soon.

 

Loki didn't know what to expect of a psych ward. Was he going to be chained to a wall and electrocuted? Surprisingly, he only had a quick chat with a psychiatrist, then gave away his cell phone and other belongings and ended up in a monitored room, together with three other patients. He curled up on a bed and contemplated his situation. His life was over, everyone would think he tried to kill himself and perceive him as an unstable madman. No one would employ him. The social stigma of a mental illness was not a joke and he would be even more alienated than he already was.

'Great! Wonderful! Look what you've done, idiot!' Clint's rough voice interrupted Loki's glum thoughts. 'Now we're all stuck here!'

'You're not a baby, Loki, stop crying,' Natasha barked at him. 'You've got yourself into this mess and now figure out how to get out.'

'Don't listen to them,' Tony warned, 'and don't talk to them. You're being watched, remember.'

'I know. Stay with me, don't go away,' Loki pleaded. He was too drained to pretend he was strong, he needed his only true friend to keep him safe. Not only from the others but also from the crazy room-mates. He had never been that close to real psychos, what if they were dangerous?

Tony had a plan. He advised Loki to admit he intentionally cut his wrist to get attention. 'Say you had a hard time and made a mistake, you'll be out in a couple of days. Do not mention any of us, it's very important.'

 

The next day Loki had another meeting with the psychiatrist, dr Banner. It felt like being put under the microscope. Every word he uttered, his body language and the tone of his voice, everything was judged and examined, one little mistake and he would lose. Natasha stood behind him and whispered, 'Don't be so tense. Relax. Don't forget to blink. Smile, from time to time. Say your childhood was peaceful and you stay in touch with your parents. Oh, and you do have friends, you socialise. Don't stutter.'

Loki played the role of a young, emotional man having a momentary lapse of judgement. He promised he was not going to cut himself ever again and yes, cutting never solved any problem, yes. The psychiatrist nodded thoughtfully, then handed Loki a long, multiple choice questionnaire. That would be much easier to fill out without a group of stubborn shadows, each of them wanted to choose a different answer, although consistency was probably more important than picking the most normal option.

In spite of their effort and lies, Loki stayed in the monitored room for another day and no one knew when he could go home. Maybe it was all for the best, he didn't have a home any more and a little break from the usual daily struggle was actually quite nice. Like a holiday. Behind the bars. The food was terrible and each of Loki's friend complained about it.

Dr Banner was oddly curious about the accident and wanted Loki to describe it again and again. Who held the knife? Whose decision was to make the incision? After minutes of such intense grilling Loki gave in and told the truth, Clint did it do him. Who was Clint, then? A friend. They also discussed Tony, Loki was grateful for the opportunity and rambled on about him, grinning the whole time. There was nothing unhealthy about their relationship, Loki insisted, Tony never did anything to hurt him, not even when Loki was most vulnerable. That was a good session, Loki was almost perfectly honest and the only weird moment was when he was asked how intimate was his relation with Tony. Loki cringed in response, for whatever reason sex was out of the question.

 

Just when Loki was sure he was successfully managing the situation, he had an unexpected visitor. His mother, someone from the ward called her. Loki hated seeing her worried and that was why he had been avoiding her- she was always concerned about his well-being.

'You were always so secretive, my dear, even as a toddler, always kept everything for yourself,' she said gently and touched his hair. That was a soothing gesture, but Loki flinched anyway, physical contact made him nervous. 'I wanted to think they were your imaginary friends and you finally grew out of that. Now I know they stayed, that's another of your secrets.'

'I don't know what you're talking about, mum.'

'Was this a cry for help?' She pointed to Loki's wrist. 'Did you want to come here and get help you need? Your psychiatrist claims your illness was triggered by a traumatic event, like sexual abuse. Is that what happened? You've been so withdrawn, I thought that you were born that way but maybe that was a result of abuse. Who was that? You can tell me.'

'Oh my God, no, nobody touched me. Mum, I don't want to be here. I need to start looking for a job and I have a boyfriend, I have no reason to be in this place.'

'You're staying here for a while and when you're discharged, you'll come home with me. It's not safe for you to live alone, not until you gain some control over... them. You can get better, don't forget about that. Just find strength to face the problem.'

 

The thought of forgotten abuse didn't let Loki sleep that night. Was it possible to repress something like that? It seemed like a convenient solution. Still, that was a ridiculous idea, he had no issues with intimacy and sex. He didn't crave the latter, true, didn't see the point of it, so much effort for a momentary pleasure. It was a sheer luck that Tony never pressured him into having sex. Loki couldn't comprehend how someone as messed up as him was chosen by a flawless, loving man.

Almost a whole week passed until Loki was allowed to move to an unmonitored room. What a relief, being under the constant scrutiny was driving Loki crazy. He wanted to scratch his head without giving an impression that he was self-destructive or simply had lice. Nurses watching him most likely jumped to conclusions and assumed the worst. At least they understood that he was not dangerous to himself or others, a good sign.

Dr Banner wondered how Tony and Loki met. Where was it? When? And what about Clint, where did he come from? Was Loki able to touch them, did he see them standing in front of him or were they hiding? And so and so forth. That was a hard work to keep the track of unending questions and ignore Natasha's and Steve's input.

'Are they here now, with us? Do they want to say something?'

Loki hesitated. Everyone was present as if they didn't trust Loki enough to leave him alone with the psychiatrist. He was going to blurt out something inappropriate, for sure. He waited too long with replying and the doctor changed the subject. Did Loki want to recover lost memories? About that horrible thing that took place when he was a child. The shadows all said no. No, no, no. According to Tony, that would be nothing but manipulation and the results would not be trustworthy. Natasha agreed, somehow quite often patients recovered memories of horrific satanic rituals and sexual abuse by the closest relatives and everyone knew Loki's early years were simply boring.

'When you look in the mirror, who do you see? Is it always the same person?'

'How old is Tony? Is he younger than you? What about Clint? How do they look like?'

'Do you ever feel like you don't know what is happening to you? Any time loss? Confusion?'

'Are you afraid of any of your friends?'

 

Due to dr Banner's unfading interest in the shadows, Loki was forced to constantly analyse them and their relationship with him. He realised how little he knew about them, their likes, dislikes, memories, preferences, all of that was a mystery. He was encouraged to help them express themselves in any creative way they pleased.

'Tony, we can make a scrapbook, everyone will have their own space,' Loki repeated what his doctor said earlier. 'Or we can make a video, introduce ourselves. Draw a family tree, maybe? This is so exciting! What do you think?'

Tony wasn't keen on opening up to a possibly hostile psychiatrist. 'We're not doing any of those things.'

'Why? Don't you want me to know you better?'

'What do you think is the purpose of that exercise?'

'Establishing a better communication? Enabling negociation? Avoiding conflicts?'

'No, Loki. It's about giving you a tool to destroy us. Your clever shrink wants us gone. Once you discover our weak points, you'll be able to control us and in result, we will cease to exist. It's a death sentence for us.'

'That's not true. No one's going to die. We'll just write a damned journal.'

'I'm not saying you can only be happy with us in your life. But, Loki, you invited us into your life. Can you imagine being completely on your own, abandoned, neglected? Having no one to talk to? We're not your enemies, stop treating us like that. We support you the way you need, protect you and you let a stranger put our existence at risk?'

Loki looked away, torn between loyalty to his friends and the urge to work on his recovery. They were like a family, dysfunctional but nonetheless a family. They helped Loki get through tough times, even if they seemed rather harsh. How do healthy people deal with everyday challenges on their own? Loki had no idea.

'We need to escape. We cannot stay here, it's not good for you. Have you noticed how much you've changed?'

'How do you expect me to run away? This place is like a prison, I can't just walk out and drive off into the sunset with you. I don't see the appeal of coming back to the way things were right before the _accident_. Natasha and Clint acting like a malicious poltergeist, no, thank you. I prefer to find a way to live with those two without constant fights.'

 

Loki was asked once again how he saw his shadows, from what perspective. Did they stand in front of him? Beside him? Did they move any objects? The longer he thought about that, the less confidence he had in his sanity. He had been pushing away disturbing thoughts about his shadows and their true nature for over two decades. Not only because of the consequences of admitting how fucked up he was. He might be able to accept that Clint, Natasha, Thor and Steve didn't really exist, that he took imaginary friends on a whole new level, out of crushing loneliness. But Tony? His dearest boyfriend, his rock? They were a couple, loved each other and Tony was not real? Everything they'd done together was a lie, a fantasy. That's why they never made love. Dr Banner was glad that Loki finally reached that conclusion and didn't let him return to being blissfully unaware of the painful truth about the shadows. Yes, Loki cried out, yes, they were not living human beings, nor hallucinations. He never saw any of them standing vis-a-vis him, never had any physical contact with either of them. They lived inside Loki, in his head and were his alters.

For several days, Loki did nothing more than bawling his eyes out. The only man that ever loved him was a product of his deranged mind. Oh, how it explained why Loki had a boyfriend in the first place. Nobody loved him, nobody was able to put up with him. His mood swings, weird behaviour and getting distracted every five minutes repelled every normal man, so he created a fake one and forgot to remember that. It wasn't even alarming, just utterly pathetic. None of the memories was true. Loki was not unconditionally accepted, of course, the sheer fact that he thought he was proved how long ago he lost touch with reality. 

'Loki, don't cry. I'm still here,' Tony assured him, but nothing could ease the pain. 'You should have listened to me. Had you run away when I told you to, we would have been happy together. See what happens when you don't do what I say?' 

'Shut your mouth, you're not even real. I can't believe I'm doing this to myself. My imaginary darling is becoming emotionally abusive, nothing can surprise me anymore.' 

Having mourned the loss of Tony, the version of Tony he clung to for so long, Loki was ready to explore the depth of his mental illness. What he learnt was unbelievable- the shadows were not random strangers that decided to stay with him. They were parts of his mind, each of them was a section of Loki's fractured self and not a separate being. Natasha represented Loki's confidence and strength, Clint- destructiveness and self-loathing. Thor was the result of Loki's social exclusion, Steve was his conscience and Tony was the representation of Loki's loneliness and his need of self-love. That astonishing discovery led to a startling conclusion- Loki wasn't a pitiful little weakling, unable to live on his own. Natasha's courage was actually his own and so were Steve's positive character traits. Loki had perceived himself as someone drastically inferior to his shadows and when it turned out they were all one person, he was extremely shocked. On top of that, the issue of the mysterious tragic event from the past returned, as Loki was informed that his disorder could be described as a child's version of PTSD. Traumatised, abused children using imagination to cope with stress, Loki was horrified by how much sense it all made. Yet still he was clueless about what had caused his condition.

Tony's main concern- his death- was called integration, a long, long process of putting all the pieces back together. Loki found out that there was a possibility of achieving that goal, although it seemed dreadfully exhausting and time-consuming. His alters had no intention of merging with him and becoming a unity, a whole. They didn't want to cooperate, didn't participate in the treatment, had nothing to say to dr Banner. Loki understood them and decided not to integrate. He still loved Tony, enjoyed their little chats and was not ready to deny Tony his right to exist.

The other option was to learn how to control the alters and allow them to stay. Loki was their host and had a chance to become the sole decision maker. He could set rules and make the alters obey them. Even if they would take over, he could stay conscious and present during that time. That was tempting. Loki was fed up with being bossed around by his shadows. Something as simple as having a lunch was a very complicated action. None of the alters shared Loki's culinary taste and criticised his choice of food. Natasha was a vegetarian and hated it when Loki didn't respect her views and had a burger. Steve had a sweet tooth and loved sugary drinks while Clint found them nauseating. Pleasing one of the alters led to more arguments and Loki longed for a quiet, stress-free meal. Eating whatever he wanted without negotiating the menu with the rebellious pieces of his mind. He was eager to tame his alters a little and learn how to keep them at bay. Despite their reluctance, he was becoming more aware of their patterns, knew who was most active in a given situation and even figured out who was most willing to integrate - Thor, his least noticeable alter.

It rained when Loki was discharged. He didn't mind getting wet, the exhilarating feeling of being outside, raindrops on his skin and wind in his hair was a sheer bliss after long weeks spent indoors. Diagnosed and due to start therapy, Loki was more at peace than ever. He accepted the lack of a magical solution to his disorder and the impossibility of running away from it. His journey to mental stability was just beginning and fortunately, he wasn't taking it alone.  

**Author's Note:**

> Also inspired by 'The Woman with 15 Personalities', a very intriguing documentary. The prompt probably suggested schizophrenia, but I thought dissociative identity disorder would be more interesting. I'm not an expert, though, I might have wrongly described DID. At least I tried and did the research. In result, I began to question my own sanity. Especially when I noticed I forgot about Brucey. Anyway, thanks for reading.


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